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November 10th, 2006
08:11 pm - I am worried
Ok, I know it's been a while. I have spent the last two years of my life studying almost breathing clinical psych. It has not been an easy ride. If anything, I am more aware than ever of how much I don't know.
I got another slap in the head today when a friend called with difficult news. She finished the program with honors but because of a dispute with a professor, she has yet to officially graduate. The lawyers have been called, the dean and ethics committee rallied but with no relief in site. After talking to her on the way home from work I find myself truly worried. Here is a person who has endured a great deal of pain in her life.
Most of her self worth has been entwined with her academic career. Until now that has never been questioned. I guess what really frightened me was the hopelessness in her voice. She described herself as feeling nothing but in all honesty all I heard was naked pain.
There is a reason they tell doctors and shrinks not work with friends and family members. I know this now better than ever before. I am scared... I haveno control over what she will do. All I can offer is a shoulder of support from a distance of hundreds of miles. It seems like such a pathetic thing to say.
I don't know why I am posting this right now.. only that I had to get this out somehow. I am going to call her and again suggest that she seek professional assistance. I will try to reassure her that her worth is not contingent on a piece of paper and try to remember that for myself as well.
...Sorry to dump this into cyber space... I just can 't keep this one locked inside.
Current Location: at home.. on the laptop
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/scared.gif) scared
Current Music: sound of the ceiling fan
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September 5th, 2005
01:26 pm - My last free day and I spend it how???
Why mindlessly surfing the net of course! I gakked this from Goblintastic. Sigh* there are so many chores I should be doing but alas.. I am not. Feel preety good about telling my sister to donate some of my things to katrina Relief. I haven't used those things in storage in over a year and lord knows they can be put to better use than in boxes somewhere. The future shrink in me keeps looking for reports that they are sending counselors who deal in trauma to the areas. Sigh if I had my license, I wouldn't be content just looking. I'd just pack up and go.
OK, on to the silliness. Tis true I am the oldest. I have one younger sister.
| You Are Likely a First Born | 
At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.
In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream. |
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/contemplative.gif) contemplative
Current Music: Peter Gabriel -Up
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August 29th, 2005
09:37 pm - Funny I have always thought of myself as more a Lauren Bacall type
But this is cool too. Too bad there aren't women of color included in this test as well. I wonder if I am a Lena Horne, Pearl Bailey or Dorthy Dandridge.
Katharine Hepburn
You scored 14% grit, 23% wit, 42% flair, and 23% class! |
You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.
Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 25% on grit |
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You scored higher than 33% on wit |
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You scored higher than 75% on flair |
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You scored higher than 50% on class |
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August 12th, 2005
06:13 pm - Lemmings, Lemmings, everywhere I see Lemmings :)
Well, Perversely enough, I am somewhat pleased to join in the fray. Although, it's a sad truth that I know no one left to forward that hasn't been tagged before. So I won't annoy them with repeated requests. That being said, next time I will have no mercy!
And now for something completely different...
Once more into the breach dear friends...and so on and so forth.. responding to Goblintastic call to arms. Here is my list for better or worse. This is what I am listening to as I struggle with finishing my last two assignments for my summer classes. Sigh* I remember when summer was a time of fun and lazy afternoons. What Happened?!?!
Stormyb’s list
Run by snow patrol
Fix You by Colplay
Signal to Noise by Peter Gabriel
Winter in my Heart by VAST
Broken by Seether (featuring Amy Lee..lead singer for one of my favorite bands Evanescence)
There you have it folks. Ok so not exactly bubblegum or as my sister calls it my angst rock music… but it suits my temperment. J
I suppose I should return to my research papers eh? Cowers.. please? Don’t make me go back.. Whimper*
Ciao folks.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/busy.gif) busy
Current Music: VAST of course
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April 23rd, 2005
01:49 pm - Ohhh I can live with this... :)
Isis
Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 79% sensual, 45% martial, and 58% saturnine. |
This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres.
Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion.
She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon.
Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 0% on erudite |
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You scored higher than 0% on sensual |
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You scored higher than 25% on martial |
Gakked from countless others..namely Minayra... Today was a good day. And to top it off I am one of my favorite goddess.
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You scored higher than 50% on saturnine |
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Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/amused.gif) amused
Current Music: The hum of my laptop
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April 11th, 2005
March 18th, 2005
01:28 am - Checking in
It's been a while I know. This year has been so full of ups and downs I can barely hold on, let alone take the time to process and write it all down. Grad school has consumed my life. No I mean it truly has! My waking hours are saturated with thoughts of school and studying and paying for it all somehow. I find myself wistfully thinking of the days when I wrote little snippets about mass transit. Going to work and then coming home and vegging are fond memories. I laugh at the thought of writing fanfiction..or heck writing anything that isn't school related.
So yet again, I find myself unbalanced and confused. I can't seem to find that zone that merges school, work, and friends. There was a time when I had all of the above. And while I was often exhausted at the end of the day it was a good exhaustion, ya know? I miss my friends. I miss feeling a part of something more. Everything has become a competition. If someone tells you that psych grad school is not ... THEY ARE LYING. At the start of the program, we were all supportive ..now it's this monster thing to find out who got the best recommendations, grades and practicum sites. This is all going to be worth it right? massive debt from student loans...living far and away from 99% of my friends and family...fighting to prove to myself that I have the chops necessary to get thru the program... still no job... no social activities that are not school related.. Someone put me out of my misery!
I am trying to dig deep for that inner strength everyone seems to think I have... looking at an empty tank here people. It scares the crap out of me. The thought of all the work it took to get to this point..to lose it all?? If there is a hidden well of resolve, I hope I find it soon.
The funny thing is, everyone at school seems to think that I am just breezing by. Sometimes maintaining the act is all I have. I have been told that to concentrate on my gpa. Well, It's just not enough. Am I weak because it's not enough?
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: some trance stuff
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December 15th, 2004
03:57 pm - Huzzah! The term is done!!
That's it folks! Just turned in my last exam paper for the semester. I know I haven't been around to lurk and randomly comment on your journals.. harass you for character and story info and whatnot.. But that's all going to change. That's right your favorite lurker is back in action. Well at least until the Spring term begins. I have missed you lj.. I have missed lurking and writing.. yay!!!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/accomplished.gif) accomplished
Current Music: Annie Lennox
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December 3rd, 2004
12:02 pm - And so it continues...Lemmings ahoy! or something like that
table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#66CCFF" align="center">You are 67% Virgo
<tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#FFFFFF">
</td></tr></table>
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/tired.gif) tired
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December 2nd, 2004
03:46 pm - I am a lemming and proud of it.
Gakked from ... well see if you can figure it out. Actually it's strangely fitting..
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/bored.gif) bored
Current Music: Serenity
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November 28th, 2004
08:57 pm - More Random following of the herd for lack of better ideas at the moment
| You scored as Euterpe. You are Euterpe, the muse of music. You know are an inventor, and you constantly come up with new ideas. You are happy when everyone else is happy.
Euterpe | | 88% | Terpischore | | 62% | Melpomene | | 62% | Urania | | 62% | Polyhymnia | | 62% | Erato | | 50% | Calliope | | 50% | Thalia | | 50% | Clio | | 50% | </td>
Which of the Greek Muses are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/curious.gif) curious
Current Music: the sound of wind in the trees.. ummmm
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November 12th, 2004
01:26 pm - Just because
Kinda right..mostly right.... not compltely right...hmmmmmm gakked from jinxwatcher
G:Your Beauty lies
in Individuality. Different, amazing, and all your
own. You like be set apart
from all others and most love that you do. You are
solitary at times, but for
the most part, there is no greater compliment to
you than someone telling you
that you are different. You're most likely a bit of
a fighter and you hate it
when anyone attempts to change who you are. You
wear what you want, look how you
want and don't let anyone tell you what do to. You
can be a little immature at
times and have trouble dealing with authority and
asking others for help. You
like to do things yourself and are independent
almost to a fault. But, people
still find your individuality amazing and the fact
that no matter what happens
or what anyone else anyone thinks about it, you
will not change who you are.</font>
Some Things
That Represent You:
Element:
Dark, Fire Animal: White Tiger Color:
Bold Colors, Odd
Colors Song: Just They Way I Am by Angel
Expression: Smirk
Gemstone:
Bloodstone Mythological Creature: Phoenix,
Dragon Sign:
Leo Planet: Pluto
Hair Color: Unnatural Colors Eye
Color:
Amber
Quote:
"You laugh because I'm different. I laugh
because you're all the same."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
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November 8th, 2004
02:29 pm - Monday Monday
Lots going thru my head at the moment.
Quick update for any still following.
Massive work load in school of course. Have classmates coming to me for help and of course now I am completely lost. Don't they understand? I am just as lost as they are if not moreso. Say goodbye to that A... weeps.
Broke up with Dimples. Graduate school is really swallowing me whole and it has taken another victim in my life. Supposedly we are still friends but I note.. no weekend phone call/pep talk. I miss him but the purpose for moving out to cali was for school. Right? Right??? Deafening silence.. looks at cell phone and email.. no new messages. *sigh
Applying for a job in Newport Beach at substance abuse and dual diagnosis clinic. I really want this job.. I need this job. I need the money, the experience and something to occupy those few hours I have left.
May have solution to housing problem after tonight. WIsh me luck pray to the gods.. whatever you do. As much as I like my friend roommates we were never meant to be.
Haven't talked to any friends or family lately. I keep saying tommorow but then I blink and the day is gone. More empty promised to myself. The holidays are coming up and I am not looking forward to them at all. I got the present I ordered for Dimples in the mail the other day. Now what do I do with it? Bah Humbug in advance.
Still bitter about election day.. yes I am so what of it. I will remain bitter for the next four bloody years.
OK, phew.. got that out of my system.. sorry for spewing that on everyone. I have been holding it in for awhile.
Back to the mines little ones. Can't stop now. Onward! Onward!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sad.gif) sad
Current Music: ambiant trance stuff..
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October 27th, 2004
08:54 pm - Yes.. another grad school entry.. it's long.. get settled for this one.
Ok, I think at least for a while this journal will be dedicated not towards expressing my emotions thoughts and or artistic desires.. but a wailing wall. Yes that's right folks. More stories from the grad school front.
I know you are all just dying to hear alllll about it. Pine away no further my good friends!
You see... the thing is.. It's starting to click. The theories, lectures and techniques.. It's all starting to click. And what they say is totally true, you so try to diagnosis everyone and there brother. You can't help it. You start seeing real or imagined disorders all over the place! But the wacky stuff is what you start to see in yourself. That's the stuff that hits you with no warning and leaves your mouth hanging open. You see the other day I had a taped role-play. I wasn't nearly as nervous as before. In fact I didn't even really prepare for it. I figured I would just roll with it. But here's the thing. Sometimes it's hard to recognize where your issues begin and your good intentions as a therapist ends. My "client" had some anger issues. As I felt his frustration and anger build I found myself deliberately defusing the situation. It just happened. And later when questioned about it, I gave a nice logical rational answer. It was for the good of the client.. blah blah.. I even had them convinced. But just as I was leaving I blurted out the truth. I circumvented my client because I felt threatened by his anger. Even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, not really. So as I was leaving or critique sessionm, I stated outloud that I chickened out. I didn't like the way his anger made me feel and I knew that I could calm him down so I did it. Now, I am pretty sure no one heard me. But I heard me. And I can't stop thinking about it. Is this a pattern of mine? I have acknowledged to myself in the past that I don't like conflict. Being in a room where people are having a rather animated"discussion" makes my skin crawl. I was never one of those kids that went running to see what was going on when they yelled "fight! fight!" unless it was in the other direction.
Of course I know where it comes from.. being a child and listening over the years to my parents as their marriage slowly died a painful and violent death. It was brutal and harsh. But I didn't realize .. not really just how much it affected my behaviors. I mean I knew it influenced my relationships. Let's not even talk about the "discussion" I had with dimples on Sunday. Instead of dealing with the fact that I was furious and hurt I tried denial and rationalization. When that didn't work, I simply froze the bugger out and washed my hands of it all. Well, not really, since it's still in my mind. But see, that's what I mean.
Ok, so I have issues to work out in my personal life. I have always known that. Who doesn't?? What child of divorce doesn't have issues? But I thought I had that worked out. I thought I understood how they (my defenses)worked and when they worked. I didn't realize just how pervasive it really is. But out from nowhere it hit me. Here I was, in an academic and someday hopefully professional setting.. and I was manipulating (let's be honest here) my way out of my discomfort zone. His anger (even though I knew it wasn't real) threatened me. In that instant it felt real and I reacted as such. I felt so awful when my partner later stated that I had such a calming effect and it made him reconsider his choice. Now if I had really done that for my client's benefit (as I stated I had) that would be one thing. I would feel ok with my decision. But the fact is that as I sit here working on my self critique I am quite shaken. It wasn't for him, it was for me. I am not happy with that choice right now.
Going into grad school, I knew that I would stumble on a few things. They warn you about it all the time. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I didn't think it would unsettle me so much.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/pensive.gif) pensive
Current Music: The sound of the keyboard
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October 15th, 2004
03:49 pm - Did you ever?
Did you ever have a day start off with strange dreams you just can't shake? Lastnight/this morning I dreamed about someone I knew for a total of one year out of my life. I was 13 at the time. His name was Steve. Now I haven't thought of Steve H. in many MANY years. Yet in my dreams I saw him clear as a bell. I remembered the sound of his voice, his grin, even that 13 year old boy smell. I am telling you it was freaky.. To see clearly someone's face .. someone you haven't seen or spoken to or about since your childhood. My mind keeps flashing to parts of the dream. There were others present as well but he stands out in my mind. I have this urge to search the net on the off chance that he never moved from home.. yeah riiiight. I wouldn't even know what to say to him if I found him. Hi Steve, I am sure you don't remember me. We went to school together in the 8th grade. I dreamed of you last night. In the dream we talked and acted as if we had been together all these years. It was really quite amazing. So, how have you been?
Hmmm maybe not. It's offical. I am nuts
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/weird.gif) weird
Current Music: VAST
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October 13th, 2004
12:08 pm - OK can I just share this with you?
Just left my interviewing class. More role play yadda yadda. Whole group is watching me. My "client" was supposed to be easy. She blew me out of the water. WHAT WAS I THINKING??????!!!!! Why didn't any of you stop me???
I was expecting depression, maybe anxiety, ya know something reasonable but no.. Thank god this wasn't the taped interview.. although humilating myself in front of my professor and entire class is not much better. You may now watch as my brain oozing out of my ear....It's over folks. Ok so I am being slightly melodramatic but seriously. I feel like she dropped a bomb in my skull. Pray for me .. I have one more class and a lab before I can say my day is over. Weeps into notes
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/shocked.gif) shocked
Current Music: The sound of my brain frying
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October 1st, 2004
07:19 pm - Procratination thy art my only true friend
Sitting in the library.. avoiding my numerous papers with my pal procrastination by my side. Could print out some of those articles I uploaded to my email account the other night. Yah, could but won't. Could do some of the reading for class or work on one of many reports due next week. *riiiight. Then what will motivate my panic attack over the weekend? Nothing I tell you! One must plan ahead for these types of things you know. The next thing I know, you will be telling me that I should do my homework now. That way I can do some thinking about the Douglas situation. Snorts,as if I would be so organized and sane!
Newsflash!!
Minnie Driver has a new album out. Yes Minnie Driver! I know .. you are thinking of that ear shattering performance in Goldeye. So was I. But she's not bad. A few songs have that country western twang to them which is strange since she's not American. But she's got a pretty good voice. Of course this could be the procrastination talking. You can listen online ..Editor's Pick on Windows Media Player homepage. Zoe Records. Might buy it. Not sure yet that could just be the boredom talking. Ask me later on.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/dorky.gif) dorky
Current Music: Minnie Driver.. yes that Minnie Driver
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September 18th, 2004
01:29 pm - Daydream Fog proceed with caution
Well here I am. Sitting at my friends computer in the midst of typing up my first assignment for class when suddenly out of nowhere.. Daydream Fog strikes my brain and there goes my productivity out the window. California sunshine .. nice breeze. I have the apartment to myself. So what's wrong with me? Why does my brain insist on writing X-men stories in my head? I give myself a stern lecture and for a few moments manage to write a sentence or two on my paper only to be sideswiped again. This time it's even worse. Dimples intrudes on my thoughts. Ohh Ohh Danger Danger Will Robinson!!! I pace. I rant and rave that hormones are the devil's work and force myself to reread the chapter. But it's no use. Linkin Park and I are in that dark spiral of fantasy and movement. Instead of sentences on the topic of clinical interviewing.. I see with my minds eye, hips and limbs moving to the beat of the music. The sound of laughter and remembered fevered glances dance in my mind in place of general medical conditions that may affect a client's emotional,mental and physical state. I start to wonder if maybe there is a mental illness in the DSMIV that would explain this.
ARRGGHHHHH! Away foul demon with an angel's face! Beguiling whispers ... fond memories of shared moments.. No, I do not want to think about walking around the retreat in Malibu completely entranced with the scenery and his company! I don't I tell you!!! I am not looking at the clock and wondering what he is doing. My fingers are not itching toward the phone.
I need medication. *sigh
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/nostalgic.gif) nostalgic
Current Music: The Chemical Brothers-Dream On
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September 9th, 2004
09:49 pm - It's friday ..do you know where you stormyb is?
Well hellllllllo there dears. It's been a while hasn't it. There is a ton of stuff I wanted to write earlier but now it just seems like so much water under the bridge, old hat as it were.
Everything is spinning constantly and at the end of the day I feel I am doing well if I remember to turn off the light before passing out.
Well shall we have an update then? Yes why not?
Has Stormyb found an apartment yet? That would be a no kiddies. Although I am on several lovely waiting lists. Bloody california housing. The prices are outrageous .. for the amount they want .. I had better be getting breakfast served in bed!!!
Has Stormyb started school? That would be a resounding yes!! That's right sports fans.. it has begun. The first week of classes and already I am behind. I sat there this week with my little hands clenched in fear and dismay as they handed out the dissertations disguised as syllabi.. lies I tell you.. all lies!
Hmmm what else? Job status. .. still unemployed thank the lord for savings that's all I can say. FUnny thing most employers wanting you to actually be there during the week instead of in class. Don't they understand?? Can't they comphrehend how special I am? Obviously not. So looking at a few options here. THe best would be a part time position. Of course I have become accostumed to fulltime pay. I sense a problem here don't you?
Ooooh Oooooh I opened up my California checking account last week. I was so proud. It's strange I am still in between states in my head. But finally building a California identity..this is a good thing. Got my god awful school id picture yesterday. Is there a rule that they must be a sickening as your Drivers License pics? I went in the other day..looking cute and professional. This time I was going to start off on a good foot. No crappy id pics for me.. no sir! Of course I was thwarted when they announced right as I walked in the door computer problems and please come back tommorow.
Tomorrow comes and finds me looking like something the cat coughed up. And click* there is my new school id. *sigh
And last but not least is Dimples.. some of you in the know understand that name. Yes, sports fans.. I finally got my act together and manged to see him last weekend. It was terrific. I was truly relaxed for the first time since my arrival here. But as the week wears on and the Dimples high wears off, the doubts start to creep into my head. What if I blow this.. What if this isn't what he wants? What if we destroy what we have instead of making it better. I mean maybe the best part was the fact that I wasn't able to be with him. He could remain the perfect person that way. And I could as well. Nice and safe that was. All tossed into the crapper now. Now we will see each other of off days.. bad hair days.. I hate the world days and ... couldyou please stop breathing so loud days..
Blast my hormones anyway... I certainly don't need to add this to the mix. All that romantic relationship crap is just piff paff right? RIGHT???
Oh well enough prattle. Even as things change they remain the same.
Ciao darlings
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/awake.gif) awake
Current Music: Chill or Die..heh*
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August 24th, 2004
08:43 am - I'm Here!!!
Alive and in one piece. Must dash to orientation but looking forward to chatting soon.
Whoo Hoo! not dead yet!!!
stormyb
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: sound of nervous buzzing in my head
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stormyb28's journal
