Current mood:	pensive
Current music:	The sound of the keyboard

Yes.. another grad school entry.. it's long.. get settled for this one.
Ok, I think at least for a while this journal will be dedicated not towards expressing my emotions thoughts and or artistic desires.. but a wailing wall. Yes that's right folks. More stories from the grad school front.
I know you are all just dying to hear alllll about it. Pine away no further my good friends!
You see... the thing is.. It's starting to click. The theories, lectures and techniques.. It's all starting to click. And what they say is totally true, you so try to diagnosis everyone and there brother. You can't help it. You start seeing real or imagined disorders all over the place! But the wacky stuff is what you start to see in yourself. That's the stuff that hits you with no warning and leaves your mouth hanging open. You see the other day I had a taped role-play. I wasn't nearly as nervous as before. In fact I didn't even really prepare for it. I figured I would just roll with it. But here's the thing. Sometimes it's hard to recognize where your issues begin and your good intentions as a therapist ends. My "client" had some anger issues. As I felt his frustration and anger build I found myself deliberately defusing the situation. It just happened. And later when questioned about it, I gave a nice logical rational answer. It was for the good of the client.. blah blah.. I even had them convinced. But just as I was leaving I blurted out the truth. I circumvented my client because I felt threatened by his anger. Even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, not really. So as I was leaving or critique sessionm, I stated outloud that I chickened out. I didn't like the way his anger made me feel and I knew that I could calm him down so I did it. Now, I am pretty sure no one heard me. But I heard me. And I can't stop thinking about it. Is this a pattern of mine? I have acknowledged to myself in the past that I don't like conflict. Being in a room where people are having a rather animated"discussion" makes my skin crawl. I was never one of those kids that went running to see what was going on when they yelled "fight! fight!" unless it was in the other direction.
Of course I know where it comes from.. being a child and listening over the years to my parents as their marriage slowly died a painful and violent death. It was brutal and harsh. But I didn't realize .. not really just how much it affected my behaviors. I mean I knew it influenced my relationships. Let's not even talk about the "discussion" I had with dimples on Sunday. Instead of dealing with the fact that I was furious and hurt I tried denial and rationalization. When that didn't work, I simply froze the bugger out and washed my hands of it all. Well, not really, since it's still in my mind. But see, that's what I mean.
Ok, so I have issues to work out in my personal life. I have always known that. Who doesn't?? What child of divorce doesn't have issues? But I thought I had that worked out. I thought I understood how they (my defenses)worked and when they worked. I didn't realize just how pervasive it really is. But out from nowhere it hit me. Here I was, in an academic and someday hopefully professional setting.. and I was manipulating (let's be honest here) my way out of my discomfort zone. His anger (even though I knew it wasn't real) threatened me. In that instant it felt real and I reacted as such. I felt so awful when my partner later stated that I had such a calming effect and it made him reconsider his choice. Now if I had really done that for my client's benefit (as I stated I had) that would be one thing. I would feel ok with my decision. But the fact is that as I sit here working on my self critique I am quite shaken. It wasn't for him, it was for me. I am not happy with that choice right now.
Going into grad school, I knew that I would stumble on a few things. They warn you about it all the time. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I didn't think it would unsettle me so much.