RainDancer ([info]stormyb28) wrote,
@ 2005-03-18 01:28:00
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Current mood: distressed
Current music:some trance stuff

Checking in
It's been a while I know. This year has been so full of ups and downs I can barely hold on, let alone take the time to process and write it all down. Grad school has consumed my life. No I mean it truly has! My waking hours are saturated with thoughts of school and studying and paying for it all somehow. I find myself wistfully thinking of the days when I wrote little snippets about mass transit. Going to work and then coming home and vegging are fond memories. I laugh at the thought of writing fanfiction..or heck writing anything that isn't school related.
So yet again, I find myself unbalanced and confused. I can't seem to find that zone that merges school, work, and friends. There was a time when I had all of the above. And while I was often exhausted at the end of the day it was a good exhaustion, ya know? I miss my friends. I miss feeling a part of something more. Everything has become a competition. If someone tells you that psych grad school is not ... THEY ARE LYING. At the start of the program, we were all supportive ..now it's this monster thing to find out who got the best recommendations, grades and practicum sites. This is all going to be worth it right? massive debt from student loans...living far and away from 99% of my friends and family...fighting to prove to myself that I have the chops necessary to get thru the program... still no job... no social activities that are not school related.. Someone put me out of my misery!
I am trying to dig deep for that inner strength everyone seems to think I have... looking at an empty tank here people. It scares the crap out of me. The thought of all the work it took to get to this point..to lose it all?? If there is a hidden well of resolve, I hope I find it soon.
The funny thing is, everyone at school seems to think that I am just breezing by. Sometimes maintaining the act is all I have. I have been told that to concentrate on my gpa. Well, It's just not enough. Am I weak because it's not enough?


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[info]shadowd
2005-03-18 10:41 am UTC (link)
Good to hear from you hon! Been there, done that. The volume of things required from you in grad school is enormous, but at least it's generally in your field of study. And if you have to do a thesis it's even more so. I remember pulling all-nighters, something I never had to do often as an undergrad, and I was married at the time. My poor hubby didn't see much of me for two years.

Hang in there, it doesn't last forever. When you have that diploma in your hand it will be worth it, you'll see. I remember how pleased I was to wear a hood with the colors of my school and my discipline, which I was not allowed to do in my B.A. graduation. Now every time I attend a graduaduation at the college where I teach, I wear that hood with pride. Best of Luck!

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[info]stormyb28
2005-03-18 02:59 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for your kind words. I know that when all is said and done I will be thrilled to finish. It's just the the path getting there is filled with so many obstacles...it makes a body wonder. Thanks again for the good luck wishes! They are most welcome. :)

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[info]nemesisbecoming
2005-03-18 02:53 pm UTC (link)
Well, whether you're strong enough for the program or if you "have the chops" to make it there, I figure you're answering your questions yourself by still being there and using your energies to focus as you should be. That alone shows the maturity and the drive to get through this - albeit highly competitive though mundane - phase in your life.

So trite, so true... you'll look back and marvel at all you had to do during this period and really marvel at yourself that you got through it and moved on.

I remember when I used to run Cross Country in HS. Cross country is like racing but for a couple of miles up and down hills and woods and such. Yeah, you're running against other teams and teammates, but so unlike track, you're really trying to get your personal best - better than you were the race before. And it's the longest thing in the world while you're doing it. Up and down those damned hills. You turn a corner and there's this massive one you have to go through - ugh! And the whole time, you're having a conversation with yourself. God I'm tired! God this hurts! I can't do this. WTF?! Okay one more turn. FUCK! This hill. Okay, almost there. God I'm gonna pass out!... Just a constant back and forth with yourself - and it's like a torture. But then you see the straight way, the finish line. You came so far there's no way you let all that effort get lost. So you put your head down, you just put all you have into it. You go...!

We all need a balance. We are all trying to find ours. Nothing is forever and so very temporary. You won't be in school forever. Your social life will not always be like this. To get what we want out of life, sometimes we have to keep our head down and lean into that steep incline. You may not see them now since they're obscured by the trees around, but your family and friends are waiting for you at that finish line cheering you on and ready to celebrate your personal best.

...just a couple more hills. You'll see.

(I miss you, dude)

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[info]stormyb28
2005-03-18 03:05 pm UTC (link)
Hey there! Laughing.. I really didn't expect any response to this woe is me post. And surprise! I have two! I have missed you too. Man these hills are killing me. I keep wondering if someone/God/the fates/whatever will give a sista a break. (chuckles) In truth I think I am my own worst enemy. But I thank you sincerely for your words and support. It's easy to get lost in the quagmire of my mind and forget that I have friends cheering me on. Thank you for the reminder. It is greatly appreciated!
In other news.. I notice you are going thru quite a few changes yourself. I know I have been absent for quite sometime but just know that I am cheering for you as well.
(throwing you some love dude *smirk)

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