Messages in a Bottle

I am worried

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 03:11:50 GMT

Ok, I know it's been a while. I have spent the last two years of my life studying almost breathing clinical psych. It has not been an easy ride. If anything, I am more aware than ever of how much I don't know.

I got another slap in the head today when a friend called with difficult news. She finished the program with honors but because of a dispute with a professor, she has yet to officially graduate. The lawyers have been called, the dean and ethics committee rallied but with no relief in site. After talking to her on the way home from work I find myself truly worried. Here is a person who has endured a great deal of pain in her life.

Most of her self worth has been entwined with her academic career. Until now that has never been questioned. I guess what really frightened me was the hopelessness in her voice. She described herself as feeling nothing but in all honesty all I heard was naked pain.

There is a reason they tell doctors and shrinks not work with friends and family members. I know this now better than ever before. I am scared... I haveno control over what she will do. All I can offer is a shoulder of support from a distance of hundreds of miles. It seems like such a pathetic thing to say.

I don't know why I am posting this right now.. only that I had to get this out somehow. I am going to call her and again suggest that she seek professional assistance. I will try to reassure her that her worth is not contingent on a piece of paper and try to remember that for myself as well.

...Sorry to dump this into cyber space... I just can 't keep this one locked inside.

My last free day and I spend it how???

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 20:31:19 GMT

Why mindlessly surfing the net of course! I gakked this from Goblintastic. Sigh* there are so many chores I should be doing but alas.. I am not. Feel preety good about telling my sister to donate some of my things to katrina Relief. I haven't used those things in storage in over a year and lord knows they can be put to better use than in boxes somewhere. The future shrink in me keeps looking for reports that they are sending counselors who deal in trauma to the areas. Sigh if I had my license, I wouldn't be content just looking. I'd just pack up and go.
OK, on to the silliness. Tis true I am the oldest. I have one younger sister.

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.

In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

Funny I have always thought of myself as more a Lauren Bacall type

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 04:40:33 GMT

But this is cool too. Too bad there aren't women of color included in this test as well. I wonder if I am a Lena Horne, Pearl Bailey or Dorthy Dandridge.

Katharine Hepburn
You scored 14% grit, 23% wit, 42% flair, and 23% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on grit

You scored higher than 33% on wit

You scored higher than 75% on flair

You scored higher than 50% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid

Lemmings, Lemmings, everywhere I see Lemmings :)

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 00:11:32 GMT

Well, Perversely enough, I am somewhat pleased to join in the fray. Although, it's a sad truth that I know no one left to forward that hasn't been tagged before. So I won't annoy them with repeated requests. That being said, next time I will have no mercy!
And now for something completely different...
Once more into the breach dear friends...and so on and so forth.. responding to Goblintastic call to arms. Here is my list for better or worse. This is what I am listening to as I struggle with finishing my last two assignments for my summer classes. Sigh* I remember when summer was a time of fun and lazy afternoons. What Happened?!?!

Stormyb’s list

Run by snow patrol

Fix You by Colplay

Signal to Noise by Peter Gabriel

Winter in my Heart by VAST

Broken by Seether (featuring Amy Lee..lead singer for one of my favorite bands Evanescence)

There you have it folks. Ok so not exactly bubblegum or as my sister calls it my angst rock music… but it suits my temperment. J

I suppose I should return to my research papers eh? Cowers.. please? Don’t make me go back.. Whimper*

Ciao folks.

Ohhh I can live with this... :)

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 20:48:52 GMT

Isis
Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 79% sensual, 45% martial, and 58% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres.

Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion.

She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon.

Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

Gakked from countless others..namely Minayra... Today was a good day. And to top it off I am one of my favorite goddess.

You scored higher than 0% on erudite

You scored higher than 0% on sensual

You scored higher than 25% on martial

You scored higher than 50% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological Goddess Test written by Nitsuki on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Am I in the wrong place or what???

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 05:37:13 GMT

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.

A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.

A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.

No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Checking in

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 09:41:35 GMT

It's been a while I know. This year has been so full of ups and downs I can barely hold on, let alone take the time to process and write it all down. Grad school has consumed my life. No I mean it truly has! My waking hours are saturated with thoughts of school and studying and paying for it all somehow. I find myself wistfully thinking of the days when I wrote little snippets about mass transit. Going to work and then coming home and vegging are fond memories. I laugh at the thought of writing fanfiction..or heck writing anything that isn't school related.
So yet again, I find myself unbalanced and confused. I can't seem to find that zone that merges school, work, and friends. There was a time when I had all of the above. And while I was often exhausted at the end of the day it was a good exhaustion, ya know? I miss my friends. I miss feeling a part of something more. Everything has become a competition. If someone tells you that psych grad school is not ... THEY ARE LYING. At the start of the program, we were all supportive ..now it's this monster thing to find out who got the best recommendations, grades and practicum sites. This is all going to be worth it right? massive debt from student loans...living far and away from 99% of my friends and family...fighting to prove to myself that I have the chops necessary to get thru the program... still no job... no social activities that are not school related.. Someone put me out of my misery!
I am trying to dig deep for that inner strength everyone seems to think I have... looking at an empty tank here people. It scares the crap out of me. The thought of all the work it took to get to this point..to lose it all?? If there is a hidden well of resolve, I hope I find it soon.
The funny thing is, everyone at school seems to think that I am just breezing by. Sometimes maintaining the act is all I have. I have been told that to concentrate on my gpa. Well, It's just not enough. Am I weak because it's not enough?

Huzzah! The term is done!!

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 23:16:47 GMT

That's it folks! Just turned in my last exam paper for the semester. I know I haven't been around to lurk and randomly comment on your journals.. harass you for character and story info and whatnot.. But that's all going to change. That's right your favorite lurker is back in action. Well at least until the Spring term begins. I have missed you lj.. I have missed lurking and writing.. yay!!!

And so it continues...Lemmings ahoy! or something like that

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 20:03:12 GMT

table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#66CCFF" align="center">You are 67% Virgo

<tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#FFFFFF">

</td></tr></table>

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

I am a lemming and proud of it.

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 23:47:23 GMT

Gakked from ... well see if you can figure it out. Actually it's strangely fitting..


bell hooks are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

More Random following of the herd for lack of better ideas at the moment

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 04:58:41 GMT

You scored as Euterpe. You are Euterpe, the muse of music. You know are an inventor, and you constantly come up with new ideas. You are happy when everyone else is happy.

</td>

Euterpe

88%

Terpischore

62%

Melpomene

62%

Urania

62%

Polyhymnia

62%

Erato

50%

Calliope

50%

Thalia

50%

Clio

50%

Which of the Greek Muses are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Just because

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 21:29:24 GMT

Kinda right..mostly right.... not compltely right...hmmmmmm gakked from jinxwatcher

G:

Your Beauty lies
in Individuality. Different, amazing, and all your
own. You like be set apart
from all others and most love that you do. You are
solitary at times, but for
the most part, there is no greater compliment to
you than someone telling you
that you are different. You're most likely a bit of
a fighter and you hate it
when anyone attempts to change who you are. You
wear what you want, look how you
want and don't let anyone tell you what do to. You
can be a little immature at
times and have trouble dealing with authority and
asking others for help. You
like to do things yourself and are independent
almost to a fault. But, people
still find your individuality amazing and the fact
that no matter what happens
or what anyone else anyone thinks about it, you
will not change who you are.</font>

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Dark, Fire Animal: White Tiger Color:
Bold Colors, Odd
Colors Song: Just They Way I Am by Angel
Expression: Smirk

Gemstone:
Bloodstone Mythological Creature: Phoenix,
Dragon Sign:
Leo Planet: Pluto
Hair Color: Unnatural Colors Eye
Color:
Amber

Quote:
"You laugh because I'm different. I laugh
because you're all the same."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday Monday

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 22:39:19 GMT

Lots going thru my head at the moment.
Quick update for any still following.
Massive work load in school of course. Have classmates coming to me for help and of course now I am completely lost. Don't they understand? I am just as lost as they are if not moreso. Say goodbye to that A... weeps.
Broke up with Dimples. Graduate school is really swallowing me whole and it has taken another victim in my life. Supposedly we are still friends but I note.. no weekend phone call/pep talk. I miss him but the purpose for moving out to cali was for school. Right? Right??? Deafening silence.. looks at cell phone and email.. no new messages. *sigh
Applying for a job in Newport Beach at substance abuse and dual diagnosis clinic. I really want this job.. I need this job. I need the money, the experience and something to occupy those few hours I have left.
May have solution to housing problem after tonight. WIsh me luck pray to the gods.. whatever you do. As much as I like my friend roommates we were never meant to be.
Haven't talked to any friends or family lately. I keep saying tommorow but then I blink and the day is gone. More empty promised to myself. The holidays are coming up and I am not looking forward to them at all. I got the present I ordered for Dimples in the mail the other day. Now what do I do with it? Bah Humbug in advance.
Still bitter about election day.. yes I am so what of it. I will remain bitter for the next four bloody years.
OK, phew.. got that out of my system.. sorry for spewing that on everyone. I have been holding it in for awhile.
Back to the mines little ones. Can't stop now. Onward! Onward!

Yes.. another grad school entry.. it's long.. get settled for this one.

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 04:24:55 GMT

Ok, I think at least for a while this journal will be dedicated not towards expressing my emotions thoughts and or artistic desires.. but a wailing wall. Yes that's right folks. More stories from the grad school front.
I know you are all just dying to hear alllll about it. Pine away no further my good friends!
You see... the thing is.. It's starting to click. The theories, lectures and techniques.. It's all starting to click. And what they say is totally true, you so try to diagnosis everyone and there brother. You can't help it. You start seeing real or imagined disorders all over the place! But the wacky stuff is what you start to see in yourself. That's the stuff that hits you with no warning and leaves your mouth hanging open. You see the other day I had a taped role-play. I wasn't nearly as nervous as before. In fact I didn't even really prepare for it. I figured I would just roll with it. But here's the thing. Sometimes it's hard to recognize where your issues begin and your good intentions as a therapist ends. My "client" had some anger issues. As I felt his frustration and anger build I found myself deliberately defusing the situation. It just happened. And later when questioned about it, I gave a nice logical rational answer. It was for the good of the client.. blah blah.. I even had them convinced. But just as I was leaving I blurted out the truth. I circumvented my client because I felt threatened by his anger. Even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, not really. So as I was leaving or critique sessionm, I stated outloud that I chickened out. I didn't like the way his anger made me feel and I knew that I could calm him down so I did it. Now, I am pretty sure no one heard me. But I heard me. And I can't stop thinking about it. Is this a pattern of mine? I have acknowledged to myself in the past that I don't like conflict. Being in a room where people are having a rather animated"discussion" makes my skin crawl. I was never one of those kids that went running to see what was going on when they yelled "fight! fight!" unless it was in the other direction.
Of course I know where it comes from.. being a child and listening over the years to my parents as their marriage slowly died a painful and violent death. It was brutal and harsh. But I didn't realize .. not really just how much it affected my behaviors. I mean I knew it influenced my relationships. Let's not even talk about the "discussion" I had with dimples on Sunday. Instead of dealing with the fact that I was furious and hurt I tried denial and rationalization. When that didn't work, I simply froze the bugger out and washed my hands of it all. Well, not really, since it's still in my mind. But see, that's what I mean.
Ok, so I have issues to work out in my personal life. I have always known that. Who doesn't?? What child of divorce doesn't have issues? But I thought I had that worked out. I thought I understood how they (my defenses)worked and when they worked. I didn't realize just how pervasive it really is. But out from nowhere it hit me. Here I was, in an academic and someday hopefully professional setting.. and I was manipulating (let's be honest here) my way out of my discomfort zone. His anger (even though I knew it wasn't real) threatened me. In that instant it felt real and I reacted as such. I felt so awful when my partner later stated that I had such a calming effect and it made him reconsider his choice. Now if I had really done that for my client's benefit (as I stated I had) that would be one thing. I would feel ok with my decision. But the fact is that as I sit here working on my self critique I am quite shaken. It wasn't for him, it was for me. I am not happy with that choice right now.
Going into grad school, I knew that I would stumble on a few things. They warn you about it all the time. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. I didn't think it would unsettle me so much.

Did you ever?

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 23:04:37 GMT

Did you ever have a day start off with strange dreams you just can't shake? Lastnight/this morning I dreamed about someone I knew for a total of one year out of my life. I was 13 at the time. His name was Steve. Now I haven't thought of Steve H. in many MANY years. Yet in my dreams I saw him clear as a bell. I remembered the sound of his voice, his grin, even that 13 year old boy smell. I am telling you it was freaky.. To see clearly someone's face .. someone you haven't seen or spoken to or about since your childhood. My mind keeps flashing to parts of the dream. There were others present as well but he stands out in my mind. I have this urge to search the net on the off chance that he never moved from home.. yeah riiiight. I wouldn't even know what to say to him if I found him. Hi Steve, I am sure you don't remember me. We went to school together in the 8th grade. I dreamed of you last night. In the dream we talked and acted as if we had been together all these years. It was really quite amazing. So, how have you been?
Hmmm maybe not. It's offical. I am nuts

OK can I just share this with you?

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 19:15:53 GMT

Just left my interviewing class. More role play yadda yadda. Whole group is watching me. My "client" was supposed to be easy. She blew me out of the water. WHAT WAS I THINKING??????!!!!! Why didn't any of you stop me???
I was expecting depression, maybe anxiety, ya know something reasonable but no.. Thank god this wasn't the taped interview.. although humilating myself in front of my professor and entire class is not much better. You may now watch as my brain oozing out of my ear....It's over folks. Ok so I am being slightly melodramatic but seriously. I feel like she dropped a bomb in my skull. Pray for me .. I have one more class and a lab before I can say my day is over. Weeps into notes

Daydream Fog proceed with caution

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 20:41:53 GMT

Well here I am. Sitting at my friends computer in the midst of typing up my first assignment for class when suddenly out of nowhere.. Daydream Fog strikes my brain and there goes my productivity out the window. California sunshine .. nice breeze. I have the apartment to myself. So what's wrong with me? Why does my brain insist on writing X-men stories in my head? I give myself a stern lecture and for a few moments manage to write a sentence or two on my paper only to be sideswiped again. This time it's even worse. Dimples intrudes on my thoughts. Ohh Ohh Danger Danger Will Robinson!!! I pace. I rant and rave that hormones are the devil's work and force myself to reread the chapter. But it's no use. Linkin Park and I are in that dark spiral of fantasy and movement. Instead of sentences on the topic of clinical interviewing.. I see with my minds eye, hips and limbs moving to the beat of the music. The sound of laughter and remembered fevered glances dance in my mind in place of general medical conditions that may affect a client's emotional,mental and physical state. I start to wonder if maybe there is a mental illness in the DSMIV that would explain this.
ARRGGHHHHH! Away foul demon with an angel's face! Beguiling whispers ... fond memories of shared moments.. No, I do not want to think about walking around the retreat in Malibu completely entranced with the scenery and his company! I don't I tell you!!! I am not looking at the clock and wondering what he is doing. My fingers are not itching toward the phone.
I need medication. *sigh

It's friday ..do you know where you stormyb is?

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 05:24:46 GMT

Well hellllllllo there dears. It's been a while hasn't it. There is a ton of stuff I wanted to write earlier but now it just seems like so much water under the bridge, old hat as it were.
Everything is spinning constantly and at the end of the day I feel I am doing well if I remember to turn off the light before passing out.
Well shall we have an update then? Yes why not?
Has Stormyb found an apartment yet? That would be a no kiddies. Although I am on several lovely waiting lists. Bloody california housing. The prices are outrageous .. for the amount they want .. I had better be getting breakfast served in bed!!!
Has Stormyb started school? That would be a resounding yes!! That's right sports fans.. it has begun. The first week of classes and already I am behind. I sat there this week with my little hands clenched in fear and dismay as they handed out the dissertations disguised as syllabi.. lies I tell you.. all lies!
Hmmm what else? Job status. .. still unemployed thank the lord for savings that's all I can say. FUnny thing most employers wanting you to actually be there during the week instead of in class. Don't they understand?? Can't they comphrehend how special I am? Obviously not. So looking at a few options here. THe best would be a part time position. Of course I have become accostumed to fulltime pay. I sense a problem here don't you?
Ooooh Oooooh I opened up my California checking account last week. I was so proud. It's strange I am still in between states in my head. But finally building a California identity..this is a good thing. Got my god awful school id picture yesterday. Is there a rule that they must be a sickening as your Drivers License pics? I went in the other day..looking cute and professional. This time I was going to start off on a good foot. No crappy id pics for me.. no sir! Of course I was thwarted when they announced right as I walked in the door computer problems and please come back tommorow.
Tomorrow comes and finds me looking like something the cat coughed up. And click* there is my new school id. *sigh
And last but not least is Dimples.. some of you in the know understand that name. Yes, sports fans.. I finally got my act together and manged to see him last weekend. It was terrific. I was truly relaxed for the first time since my arrival here. But as the week wears on and the Dimples high wears off, the doubts start to creep into my head. What if I blow this.. What if this isn't what he wants? What if we destroy what we have instead of making it better. I mean maybe the best part was the fact that I wasn't able to be with him. He could remain the perfect person that way. And I could as well. Nice and safe that was. All tossed into the crapper now. Now we will see each other of off days.. bad hair days.. I hate the world days and ... couldyou please stop breathing so loud days..
Blast my hormones anyway... I certainly don't need to add this to the mix. All that romantic relationship crap is just piff paff right? RIGHT???
Oh well enough prattle. Even as things change they remain the same.
Ciao darlings

I'm Here!!!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 15:28:23 GMT

Alive and in one piece. Must dash to orientation but looking forward to chatting soon.
Whoo Hoo! not dead yet!!!
stormyb

California Dreaming

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 18:04:34 GMT

Well, this is it folks. Today is my last day at work. Meant to leave at 12 but somehow still cleaning and puttering around at 2pm. I need help people! After this is off like a herd of turtles to finish cleaning and packing my apartment. Then a quick shower, dinner and nap before heading out at the buttcrack of dawn. Do I believe I will actually accomplish all of this?? Not really but my motto is to dream the impossible dream, heh.
It will be a while before I can lurk online and annoy you all on a regualar basis. But rest assured should I arrive in Cali with all of my limbs intact and in working order. Keep your fingers crossed people. This is it!!
Dear lord they are actually letting me escape. I am terrified but here goes nothing. My love to everyone. I will return with words of wisdom, roadtrip stories and more adventure of mass transit very soon.
Smooches.
OH and Nem... call me tonight woman... solidarity!!!
stormyb

Ok I am going to explode

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 18:40:34 GMT

I GOT IN!!!!!!..this bears repeating
I GOT IN I GOT IN I GOT IN IGOTIN!!!!!! literally screaming and dancing her chair. Yes my co-workers think I have lost my mind. But I can't contain myself.
I have been accepted into Graduate school in california.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And so it begins

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 06:36:04 GMT

Well, here I sit. My brain won't stop churning. I just submitted my application this week to the grad school I really want. Le Sigh. This waiting, wondering, fretting is going to kill me.
In other news, I just learned that a friend has been sucked into the madness that is Live Journal. Huzzah. Does snoopy dance of joy.
Welcome m'dear.

And now for something completely different part 2

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 01:31:39 GMT

Haven't written in quite some time so I am going to do a double header today. In keeping with the theme of the trial and tribulations of traveling via mass transit,
here is yet another moment of observation/commentary
...
Sitting at my customary perch waiting for the hell beast..otherwise known as the bus... to arrive, I began my now habitual imaginary recording of a little something I like to call Moments of Pain/Joy. Now, MOPJ can include any number of things.. start, middle, end of journey on the bus. All of it is fair game.
This moment was one of Joy. Yes, I thought that would interest all of you. A rare gem. Now, in case you are unaware, while in private I adore tender moments of affection. In public, however it's a different story. In public I tease, guffaw, and otherwise endure those polorid moments others cherish. I hide my mushy movies,books and songs.
In fact, I have built a reputation of sorts. It's all an elaborate facade to hide the fact that I am a closet romantic. I stress the word closet here folks.
Keeping this in mind, I witnessed a rather endearing sight yesterday. A typical florida downpour had just soaked us all to the bone. I sat with drops of water dripping on my back from the overhang above. Cursing all designers of such things for their stupidity. In the midst of my inner rant I looked up and spied a couple I have seen many times before. They are cute.. and yes I said the c word. But you must consider I am a bit biased. You see they remind me of myself and my SO. The male is tall attractive. He seems like a nice enough fellow. Every day I see him walk his girlfriend to her car. Open with his gestures of affection, he holds her hand or playfully tugs on her ponytail. Rain or shine he walks her to her car on the far side of the lot and she drives him back to the door or to his car. Judging from her books and attire she is a pre-med/med student. I recognize the lab jackets they must wear. Dental School has different colors. He has light skin and blue eyes. She is small with medium brown skin. Long hair and delicate features. They are a mixed race couple. He towers over her but always seems extremely gentle when he touches her. I have seen them many times. And that never changes. What also never changes is the way they seem to perk up whenever they spy each other. I have seem them on campus both together and alone. There is a difference, trust me.
Well I watched as she tried to navigate the huge puddles. She is only wearing a pair of ked sneakers.. doomed to the fate of wet socks or so it appears. I have tilted my head to the side while pondering just how she intends to avoid the lake michigan of puddles. I know and feel her pain. She is maybe an inch or two shorter than me. She is just about to make that leap of faith that we both know she will not make. I speak from experience here folks. I prepare myself for my silent condolences for her soon to be wet toes. When her boyfriend suprises us both.

He has been watching her as well you see. For a moment I find myself thinking will he place something down to give her safe passage? But there is nothing and it is a passing thought regardless. But no.. he does one better. Hee. He picks her up. Literally sweeping her off her feet. Not unlike a certain blond haired blue eye boy did to me once upon a time. I listen to her surprised yelp which is followed by a series of giggles. Arms full of books and girlfriend, he steps easily thru the water and sets her down. She dashes to the car to open the door for him. Just as he starts to climb in, she kisses him. It's starting to really pour but he pauses to smile at her. He says something that makes her laugh and she runs to the driver's side. They sit there talking in the car. She then drops him off parking as close to the building as she dares. He makes a run for it. Tossing a "Love You" over his shoulder before going in.
I can see her face as she pulls away. She's smiling that goofy 'I am so into him smile'. I know because I have seen that same smile on my face when I come home after spending time with "Dimples". There is a ghost of that smile on my face at that moment as well. I make a mental note to call "Dimples" as soon as I get home and into dry clothes.
Meanwhile, can you tell I finally learned how to do that cool cut thingie??? Too cool. Hee

Tales of the doomed.. otherwise known as riding the bus home

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 00:17:22 GMT

Yet another Mass Transit story. I miss my car. Pauses a moment in respectful silence.
...

Now, it is my custom while riding the bus to do everything in my power to ignore my fellow passengers. It's not that I have anything against them, well not all of them anyway. I just feel it's an invasion of personal space. I don't want or need to hear everyone's conversations. I prefer for the most part to sit in my own little world. I usually dream of some wonderous circumstance, that allows me to drive an shiny new car heading to California.

So it wasn't unusual for me to barely notice two people in the seat across from me. The only thing that struck me about the pair was the fact that one was completely zonked out and the other rapidly joining his friend. I say his because at first glance, they appeared to both be male.

I also noticed that they were sitting rather close. But truly thought nothing of it. Obviously they were comfortable being that close together for whatever reason. It would have driven me nuts, even if I was sitting next to the love of my life. So I happily began my ritual "You have just won a million dollars" Don't want to be too greedy here.

Their clothing was not extreme in any way. They were dressed more or less like any other college student with the exception of some rather odd brightly colored hats. I mean really, hats? In Florida? Shrugs.. what is the point. They seemed like an okay pair of blokes you know?

A few minutes later, I turned my head in their direction. My eyes feel on them once more. For a second I wondered if perhaps I had misjudged. Was one of them a rather flat chested boy? They appeared to be a couple. Cozily curled up together. In fact the cuteness factor would have been overkill if not for the tiny bit of drool escaping from one lad's mouth. Hmmmm I was pretty sure they were both boys. And I was also pretty sure they were a couple.

Now here is where the weridness comes in. The possible significance that they were a couple didn't dawn on me until I saw a rather angry african american teenage looking in their direction. At first I couldn't figure it out. He seemed fine when he got on the bus. He wasn't talking to anyone. What could he possibly be getting upset about. There was a steady progression of intensity in the furrowed brow, digust, anger, muttered words under breath and shaking of the head.

Then I felt shift. They were awake now and talking quietly to each other. The couple were checking to make sure they hadn't missed their stop and shared a brief moment of amusement and affection. I didn't turn my head to look at them. I just knew. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement and heard the sound of gentle kissing noises. I kept my eyes forward from the simple desire of giving them privacy. As a rule PDA makes me queasy. With the exception of older people..I figure they are old enough to have the right to do whatever the he.. they please.

I felt a real stab of mounting fear. I became tense and wondered if the couple really understood the possible danger. I started to think and pick out possible allies and foes should the teenager become vocal or physical. Cursing myself for not having my cell phone. Could I count on my fellow passengers to call 911? And most importantly of all, how brave did I feel myself?

I'm not 19 anymore and I no longer believe that I can correct every injustice. Gay bashing is real and horrible to witness. I have seen it before and I never want to see it again. This awful pit of tension settled in my stomach.

The couple seemed so oblivious. I wanted to warn them. But at the same time I was struck by how unfair it was that they needed to be warned at all. How many times have endured comments and ugly stares for being in a committed relationship with a member of another race?? God more times than I can count. Here I am, getting my straight sex on, as my best friend would say, with the poster child for germanic perfection. I mean seriously Hitler would have creamed if he saw "Dimples". I know what it's like to be on the wrong side of those stares and muttered verbal slashes.

Right at my stop, I discovered the couple and I would be departing together. I breathed a huge sigh of relief once the doors closed and the motorized beast was on it's way. I turned and looked at them paused for a moment and smiled. They smiled back and asked for directions to a gallery downtown. After giving the world's worst directions, I wished them luck and told them to be careful. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to say more, but they seemed so happy. \

Should I have told them? Would it have made a difference if I had? Surely they know that just because a few stores have rainbow flags in the window, that they shouldn't be fooled. They are in one of the most a..backwards states in regards to gay rights.
As I am walking home, I tell myself I am being a drama queen. Let it go. But I remember that the look in that kids eye. I remember how one summer standing in front of a club with my best friend, another kid had that same look. That same awful look that froze me in my tracks as I watched him punch my best friend in the head with brass knuckes screaming the word "faggot". I remember lauching all of my 5'4 body at him fully intending to return the favor, when I was stopped by someone shouting he's bleeding. I held his head with his shirt until the medics arrived.
I stopped and turned back.. the couple had turned into a shop hand in hand. They weren't being followed. So why am I sitting at home with this knot of fear and tension in my throat?

No more Stephen King before bed.. I mean it this time

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 00:26:03 GMT

I should have learned my lesson by now. Everytime I brag to someone that nothing freaks me out...it never fails. I end up eating my words. Last night I found myself enthralled once more with Stephen King. That's something else I do a lot, re-read books that is. While nose deep in a collection of some of his short stories, I tore myself away and went to bed. It had to be done. I had to get up to go to work this morning at the indecent hour of 5:30am. Snuggled underneath the covers, I awakened with my heart pounding heart and the sound of screaming. That's right sports fans. Another Stormyb classic nightmare. I have been known to call friends and family members,regardless of the hour,in a panic.
This time I lay in bed shaking. Telling myself that it was ok. I really wasn't being burned alive. I didn't need to shout for help as I desperately tried to escape a room that seemed to be alive. There was no need to pound on the walls because the walls weren't being replaced by some living metal intent on killing me. There was no need to fear the reason underneath the reason as King would say.
You see the house wasn't JUST trying to kill me. I wasn't going to be JUST be tortured. Because it wasn't really torture. It was justice. Because I had done something Really Bad. I am not sure what that Really Bad thing was.. or maybe what was Really Bad was the fact that I existed at all.
The worst part was knowing that the house was Aware. It was took pleasure in my cries. It wanted to hear me scream. Now there was fear and fury mixed together and in spite of the burning I could feel on my legs and wanted to hurt the house in return. I remembered thinking to myself that I couldn't stop it from killing me. But I could hurt it too. My hands turned into claw like things and I was destroying the walls. Plaster, wood, everthing crumbled and turned to dust. I kept going. The house would feel it and that was all that mattered. But even as I destroyed the walls, they were being replaced with liquid metal, growing up right before my eyes. I tore at the metal as well. There were deep groves where my hands raked by and the house made a tearing, piercing sound. I was going to be punished for whatever Really Bad thing I had done but I wasn't going down easy.
I woke up with my hands stretched over my head still in that claw like shape. One was buried in my pillow and the other tried to tear thru my bedsheets. It dawned on me that I was safe. It took me a while to go back to sleep.
All I can say is Thank God/Fate/The Powers that Be.. I have thick walls. No reading tonight.